I was mentally griping about why I needed a dumb blog anyway because (here's a logical dilemma):

1. It's only fun to write the truth.
2. It's only fun to write for an audience.
3. I can't write the truth for an audience.
4. Blogging is writing for an audience.
5. Blog posts are full of not-truths.

Thus 6. It's no fun to blog. BUT logic only holds water if you assume the listed are true. True things can be made untrue.

And ALSO: logic only holds water if you respect logic. If I say, "Screw logic!" what can logic do about that?

Blahblahblah so here I am.

God.

Oh God.

I couldn't sleep because I sleep all day so I'm never tired at night so I was just quietly flipping through the radio and all the songs suck mostly but I found a station that was really good and it turned out it was playing Christian music, singing stuff like "You'll never let me go/ You love me forever/ Oh Jesus" and I thought (is it sad?) you'd never guess (and many of my friends go "Whoa really?") that I'm a Christian and would like these songs and the old Jesus Day t-shirt says, "What are you searching for?" and I frankly have no idea.

As usual I'm trying to say too much in one go.

I just like how innocent the songs are. Pop music is all sly, all planned to make you seem cool or to flatter somebody with unbelievable crap (I DO NOT LIKE BRUNO MARS'S DUMB LOVE SONG). But Christian rock is just blind trust that love needn't be conned outta someone or flattered out of someone, you don't have to get it--it's ALREADY THERE. You're already loved.

(It makes a little emo like me very happy so.)

That's what I like.

As for God, I like Jesus. He's cool. I just wish we could (OMG HOW EVIL!!!) go off the book a bit or at least stop making little loopholes to make the Bible perfect.

I mean, seriously, PEOPLE wrote it and they included some pretty dumb laws.

I'd rather connect to God outside of rituals and history and stuff. God to me is more of a benevolent, misunderstood creator. Jesus is his son, and he sent him down to make life a bit awesomer for us...

(Still thinking through that one.)

Ta-da! Personal philosophy clarified. I'd rather we all have our own personal philosophies than there being a Right Way. The thought that only some person's ideal would work pisses me off--I mean what makes some people more right than others in these mutable issues?

It would be so cool if religion is mutable because we gotta make it ourselves. So if Jen believes shinigami are real and she'll get to be one and be a taichou in Soul Society, she'd get it. And if I believe that angels exist and my brother is one, I'd have it.

There's no reason it can't be, is it?

I'm just so afraid that I'll convince myself that because it's cool, it's gotta be true, and then I die and the afterlife (if there is one) is a total letdown.

It sucks so much, just thinking about it.

Which is why happy people don't think. They just do!

(And that's what I've learned from you. )

Anyway I vomited my insecure dumb trivialities. I have started to. I am honest and I swear to be as honest as possible without lying.

(I think honesty's not The Dull Truth, it's the most socially incorrect thing you could possibly say. So I'd rather like the ability to lie and say "The human race should kill itself" than, "Logically, no the human race doesn't have to die but it'd be an interesting possibility?")

Getting ahead of myself though.